Back Page - August/September 2009

DON’T TALK

This is shame-based Rule #8 from the Men Helping Men with Anger workbook.

If you are a shame-based person, you are taught that you should never identify and talk openly about shaming, controlling, abusive, irresponsible or compulsive behavior. It also means that you shouldn’t talk honestly about what you think, feel or want. This idea of “maintaining the silence” or “keeping the secret” is not based simply on choosing the option of privacy. Rather, it is based on the belief that it is not safe to talk openly about what you see happening around you because it will lead to punishment of some sort and more shame. It is also based on the idea that, in fact, it is hopeless to self-disclose in an honest and open fashion since “it won’t do any good anyway.” This “don’t talk” rule, and the misplaced loyalty it generates, is probably the single most hindering factor in overcoming the harmful effects of shame. Without honest sharing, healing and recovery cannot occur.

*An example of this in an alcoholic family is the “elephant in the living room” (i.e. the alcoholic’s drinking and irresponsible behavior) that everyone knows about but that no one is willing to talk about openly and directly.

Copyright by David Decker.