Men Talk Articles - February/March 2009

How Do You Listen To Sexual Assault
– © 2009 by Djoke Steen

The second rape
The mythic image of the violent stranger jumping out of the bushes is oddly reassuring and very persistent in spite of contradicting statistics about sex crimes. The uncomfortable reality is that most perpetrators are known and trusted by the victim and that often no physical violence is used. If your friend tells you she has been sexually assaulted, there is a good chance the perpetrator walks around in your social circles.

Since I was not physically attacked by a stranger, conversations about my sexual assault focused around determining where I had gone wrong; to what extend I had provoked and/or resisted the assault. Speaking out meant facing my shame and humiliation, instead of support, I noticed that some kind of uneasiness and defensive thinking kicks in when people are confronted by a sexual assault victim. I found most people choose to critically question the victim. To critically evaluate the perpetrator is uncomfortable territory for many of us.

Unfortunately too many of us also just see men as guys. We may fail to see men as humans with incredible strengths and common failings much like ourselves. We may only see the image of men and not be in touch with their true inner selves and inherent capability. We see men only as stereotypes. Our connections with men -fathers, brothers, uncles, husbands and sons- all suffer from seeing only superficial aspects of men. Even worse, our connections with ourselves also suffer from male stereotyping. We lose out big!

The first rape
I foolishly trusted a person who later turned out to be untrustworthy. I accepted a wonderful back massage from a man who presented himself as a massage expert. Suddenly, without any indication of what was about to happen, he pushed his finger in my vagina, and I found myself in the midst of a sexual situation.

He had not inquired in any way whether I wanted him to go from massaging me, to being sexual with me, let alone penetrate me. I never had a chance to say “Yes,” therefore I also never had a chance to say “No.”

When I all of a sudden felt his finger in my vagina, I felt a huge explosive pang go off in my head. I was dazed and in shock. The explosion in my head was accompanied by a great sense of loss. I had lost autonomy over my most private part; somebody was bulldozering himself into that part of me that I have so many tender emotions about.

The shock and the sense of loss were immediately followed by me going into coping mode. I instinctively felt I needed to hide my humiliation and fear, cut my losses, and slip out of the situation as fast as possible. I feared what might come next. I remember with pain back to the moment where I wondered whether enough time had passed to move my body away from his finger, in order to maintain the facade of being a willing participant. After I thought it timely to extricate myself from his finger, I forced a smile and excused myself by saying that I was very tired and needed to go home. I apologetically declined his invitation to stay longer.

What is sexual assault?
I found that most people define sexual assault as a violation of boundaries, and not as non-consensual sex. I was blamed for not having put up a boundary at some point, somehow. The perpetrator was not blamed for taking liberties with my body without my positive cooperation, or even my awareness.

Negotiating consensual sex is a very complicated dance. I like to call it a dance since most of the communication is often non-verbal. The short phrase “no means no” helps us communicate our morals about the more elaborate negotiation process that precedes consensual sex.

Our current sexual morality puts the responsibility for ensuring consensual sex entirely on the woman, by giving her the power to veto. Our commonly held definition of a sex-crime is that a man violates a woman’s “No.” (Of course men too can be sex-crime victims.) The implication here is that as long as a woman has not put up her verbal defensive block, no transgressions have occurred.

Many of us see mutuality as necessary for sex, we want to be wanted. We want a meeting of the bodies and the minds. Many men’s attitude about sex is “yes, means yes” and they become sexual with a woman’s body only after receiving positive cooperation. The sexual predators among us don’t value mutuality, at best, their attitude about sex is “no means no.”

I’ve read that most sexual predators resist the idea of seeing themselves as such. They will look for ways to validate their behavior and will often seek public approval for their private transgressions.

The predator, who maliciously uses stealth and deceit to circumvent the woman’s “no” walks away from his groping and fondling viewing himself as above reproach. The stealth and deceit predator uses our rule, “no means no” to sidestep the complicated dance of negotiating positive cooperation to ensure consensual sex.

The predator, who delusionally uses poor listening skills to allow himself to insert his imaginary “yes” also feels above reproach. He validates his actions by his intent and not by how his actions affect others. The delusional predator uses our rule “no means no” to validate his inability to control his “imaginary wishful thinking” as an excuse for injuring others. How often do we hear: “Oh, but I thought I had her consent!

Just as men learn to degrade women from other men, they also learn to respect women from other men. A man who chooses the short-phrase “no means no” to represent his values about sex provides the green light for the stealth and deceit, and the delusional perpetrators. The man who chooses “no means no” fails to protect his sisters and daughters from this kind of sexual predator.

A man who uses the short phrase “yes means yes” instills that consent is absolutely required in sex. He implies that to be sexual with a woman’s body without her positive cooperation, is sexual assault.

Djoke Steen, originally from The Netherlands has lived in the San Francisco Bay area for the last 15 years. She has invited others to join in discussion on this topic at http://tribes.tribe.net/sexualassault