Drowning in Sorrow
– © 2008 by Andrew Williams

The story I am about to tell is one that has recently come back to haunt me because of recent events in my life. I need to tell it because of how it is a mirror image of what is happening in my personal development and my feelings as a man. Similar parallels can occur in everyone’s lives and I hope that men and women alike, can heal, learn and grow from them.

When I was about 8 or 10 years old my parents signed me up for swimming lessons. I was dropped off at the pool with my best friend Dave and we were in the same class. All the children were divided into groups for the different levels. Dave and I went with our group and were instructed to do a number of laps back and forth across the pool and then to meet up with an organizer for further training.

As we were making our way through the series of laps I realized that Dave and I were way behind the others. Many of these bigger and older kids had finished and moved on. I started to think, “Our names got listed incorrectly and we are in the wrong group.” As we struggled to make it through the laps I noticed Dave, a little behind me, went to the edge of the pool and dragged himself out. Clearly we were spent. Then a ways further out I knew I was about out of gas. I thought; try to make it to Dave’s side of the pool. One or two strokes; no, maybe I was closer to the teacher’s side of the pool. I was back in the middle. As far away from safety one can be. A feeling of helplessness came over me. Trying to tread water and rest I started to drown. Maybe for about the first minute of struggling I managed crying for help. Next was I swallowing lots of water and attempting to keep my head up. I will never forget looking back at Dave. The look in his eyes was: “I barely had enough energy to save myself. I can’t save you. I’m sorry”. He looked very scared. I thought that I was going to die there and for some reason I could not differentiate between which one of us was in the worse of circumstances. I looked at the swim teacher and for the first moments the look was: “Stop screwing around kid. This is no joke.” It was far from it.

As my body started to slow to a stop I knew the oxygen in me was from my last breath. Being that I no longer could keep my nose or mouth above the water, it wouldn’t be long before I would be gone. As I was drifting off, out of the corner of my eye I saw the swim teacher’s face. Her eyes were huge and it was shear terror. She knew this was no prank. She jumped in, swam out, and pulled me up on the grating around the edge of the pool where I lay shivering and scared.

I am learning that in these times that there are many men that are struggling with issues and some of us are having an extremely tough time with our role, our duties, and which “group” we fit into. Most of all, what is our value? Sometimes when one of us breaks down and asks for help, sometimes our peers are too overwhelmed themselves to assist us. Support from other elements of our society can occasionally lend a hand. The fact that is the most difficult for me to take is that there are many others that just as soon watch us drown.

Andrew Williams is a new Men's Center member and was recently elected to the Board.