Men Talk Articles - April / May 2006
John’s Story
– © 2006 by John Bloom
My name is John and I am a domestic abuse survivor. My partner’s name was J--. J-- R--. I can scarcely remember a day where he did not hit me. Many of my personal belongings were destroyed. If I was minutes late returning from work, it was on. Sometimes I would arrive at my job at the U of MN with bruises.
One day I thought I had finally found the courage to get out. A friend offered to help. He asked J-- to come over to his place so they could discuss something. While he was there, I called and told him I could not handle the things he did to me in the relationship. Since I had his keys to the apartment and thought I was safe from him. However, he left my friend’s place eight blocks away, ran to the apartment building, waited for someone else to exit through the front doors, and came to my apartment demanding to be let inside. When I resisted he became infuriated. He broke through the door and assaulted me. He held a knife to my throat saying that I had better not pull a stunt like that again. I apologized, pleading and saying I would never try to leave him again.
I was scared beyond belief. I didn’t know what to do. The following week I rented a pontoon boat on Lake Minnetonka. I thought I could scare him into leaving me alone. So I took him out on the lake. After stopping, I persuaded him to put a pair of handcuffs on his wrists. 1 didn’t want him to hit me. I also put one on his ankle and attached it to the boat rail. Next, I told him that he had better leave me alone and get out of my life, or I would push him off the boat. Instantly he began yelling at me. He said, “get these f---ing handcuffs off.” I removed the one from the railing. He continued to yell, saying “I am going to f--- you over and f--- up your life, you’ve messed with the wrong f---ing person.” Emotions and fear rushed into my mind and overwhelmed me. All of the violent events that I had experienced raced through me like a slide show. It was as if I was experiencing all the abuse over again. I pushed him off the side of the boat. Once he was in the water he stayed afloat by treading water with his feet. He was fully clothed and wearing steel toe boots. Without giving much thought, I just drove the boat away and went home. I should have known he would drown. J-- R-- died August 12, 1994.
Ten years have passed since my actions resulted in J--’s death. For ten years I have remained silent. Had I talked about the abuse, perhaps I could have broken free.
Over the years little attention has been brought to the issue of domestic abuse. This is especially true in gay relationships. Most often people hear of men abusing their spouse/girlfriend. Usually we read about it in an article from thc newspaper detailing some violent acts against her. Sometimes we hear about the spouse/girlfriend lashing back at the abuser. Every now and then there is a case where a man or woman abuses his/her gay partner. This is very taboo in that society pretty much ignores gay domestic abuse. However, abuse is abuse no matter if it is a man on woman, man on man, woman on man, or woman on woman.
What was going on? My partner was using every tool in his toolbox to have complete control over me. Physical and emotional abuse, destruction of my property, threats to kill me, intimidation. I didn’t know how to escape. I thought leaving would make things worse. My partner was a master of manipulation. Often I question how I became trapped in this cycle. Several years after my incarceration, one of J--’s best friends contacted me and shared with me his thoughts. He mentioned how he knew how J-- was and how he would never back down to anyone in a physical confrontation. Furthermore, he was of the opinion that he felt it was inevitable that a tragic outcome would have happened sooner or later concerning J-- except he felt that J-- would be the person to cause somebody else’s death. Interestingly, a friend (who happens to be a priest) came to visit me shortly after my incarceration. I shared a few or the things concerning the abuse. One of the things I said during that visit was at least the abuse has stopped. A stunning statement in and by itself. Thanks to the help of counselors and friends, I have come to realize how helpless a person can be in such a relationship.
Why do I share my story? I share this simply for the reason that others may learn from my situation. If you’re are caught up in a violent, abusive relationship. GET OUT! If someone you care about is in an abusive relationship, help them get out of their predicament. People who love one another do not treat people that way. Since finding a way out can be extremely difficult and dangerous, get law enforcement to help, or utilize the services of the court. Establish a safety net for yourself. For example, find a safe place to stay. Take an extended leave of absence from work. Don’t make the same mistake as I did. My actions that caused J--’s death resulted in the worst possible outcomes for J-- and his family as well as myself and my own family.
John Bloom is serving time in the Minnesota State prison at Moose Lake. He says he has shared his story with the hope that somehow he can make a positive impact in the community in a small way. "If just one person is able to break free from their own struggle with an abuser or is an abuse is able to seek help, then it makes sharing my story worthwhile."
“The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral, begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. Instead of diminishing evil, it multiplies it. Through violence you may murder the liar, but you cannot murder the lie, nor establish the truth. Through violence you may murder the hater, but you do not murder the hate. In fact, violence merely increase hate. So it goes. Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.”
– Martin Luther King, Jr. Where Do We Go from Here: Chaos or Community?, (1967)