A Journey Out of the Darkness
– © 2004 by Bobby Schauerhamer
Many men have struggled with understanding how they could have committed an act that is extremely offensive to others. Their offensive behavior has often been inconsistent with other experiences in their lives. They have difficulties understanding these inconsistencies, often experience considerable shame and regret, and grapple with rebuilding a life in which they will not come to harm or offend someone again. I am among that group of men and have met many other men with whom I share this type of struggle. This is an invitation to reflect on your own, if any, experiences with behavior that has offended others.
Offensive behavior can carry legal and criminal consequences. Offenders typically resist these consequences energetically, and delay or ignore any admission of guilt for the offensive behavior. Herds of fast dancing attorneys await the never ending supply of offenders who are unwilling to face their darkness. For those offenders who are unable to look toward their own darkness, the journey never begins.
An amazing array of support and hope becomes available for men who have offended and are able to look at themselves with an open, critical mind. This is not a short term or one time experience, but a lengthy process. I have been one of the men fortuned by this availability. Initially, most of my support was imposed on me by others. More recently, I have sought out and secured my own supports.
Family and friends of offenders have burdens placed on them to understand the reasons for the offensive behavior previously exhibited by men on this type of journey. They do not have the availability of support to the extent that is seen with offenders. For some, the task is overbearing, or the offender is not worth the effort in their estimation, and they sever ties with the offender.
An admission of guilt is the beginning of recovering to a healthier, harm free way of living. Your family and friends deserve this chance to heal. Once you tell the truth about the story of how you came to offend, it becomes much easier to reveal your truth about other issues. This is an essential feature of rebuilding trust with others. It is difficult to trust someone who does not tell the truth consistently.
Offenders can also support those around them by listening without defensiveness to how the offensive act has impacted their lives. Their process of dealing with unthinkable acts may have similarities to the offenders process of dealing with it, but their process runs an independent course. Offenders need to be patient and accepting of the time table followed by concerned people around them. You cannot force someone to trust you before they are ready.
In the end, we all need to exercise patience and understanding with one another. The events which have a specific time line are easier for me to deal with than the ones with none.
Bobby Schauerhamer is currently a board member at The Men s Center and a facilitator for the Healthy Sexual Boundaries support group. He was licensed as a psychologist in Minnesota between 1979 and 2001. His career as a psychologist abruptly came to an end coincidental with the revelation of offensive behavior. His journey out of the darkness has brought many unexpected gifts of friendship, support of a loving family, and a new way of living.
Annual Meeting Notice
The Men's Center Annual Meeting will be on
Saturday, January 15, 2005 at 9 am
at the Men's Center in suite 55, 3249 Hennepin Ave., Minneapolis, Mn
The Annual Meeting will include election of new members to the Board of Directors, thanks to our volunteers, review of our achievements this past year, and socializing with your fellow Men's Center members. We have moved forward on many projects this year so come and celebrate what has been done and where we are going. If you have any questions, call the Men's Center offices at 612-822-5892.
The Men's Center By-Laws require a quorum of members to elect new board members. This mailing constitutes notice to all active members that a vote will be conducted by those members who are present at this meeting. If you cannot attend and wish to vote, please return this page to TMC prior to Jan 15, 2005. Please include your address label. All members who do not vote by mail or in person, consent to the appointment of the Chair and the Vice-Chair the power to vote on their behalf, on all matters that come before the Annual Meeting.
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