What Men Can Do To Have Healthier Families
– © 2004 by John H. Driggs

Too many family men play peripheral heroic roles in their families and they miss the immense fulfillment of engaged family love. They may behave good heartedly and responsibly in the world outside the home but fail to be as passionately connected with their families. Family men may feel it's enough that they bring home the bacon and put in an appearance at home. They may go through the motions of loving. Such decent guys might feel that the nitty-gritty details of family devotion can be left up to their wives and children to work out, even when their wives themselves also work outside the home. Too many family men look at the home as a safe refuge from the pressures of the outside world and fail to see their emotional responsibilities towards their loved ones at home. Instead, they believe that loved ones should be more understanding of their needs and stay out of their way. This sad pattern of emotionally absent family men is not about men having bad character, but about men being scared to death of their own emotionality and men feeling emotionally less significant thanks to social sex role stereotyping. When men stay in utilitarian roles in their families they miss out on the deep meaning of committed family love – the very meaning of life itself – and they fail to be whole persons.

Indispensability of Loving Family Men
Words cannot do justice to the indispensability of caring family men. Wives who are emotionally supported by their partners in a more egalitarian marriage and parenting relationship are incredibly more fulfilled, less depressed, and more confident of their own mothering. Many typical mental health problems in women are vastly alleviated when men are emotionally in sync with their partners and at least carry out equally responsible parental duties. The modeling of family men pulling their weight in family emotional duties – like listening to children feelings, arranging sleep-overs, and participating in parent/teacher conferences – not only does wonders for their wives but also gives the message to children that women are to be respected and it's OK for men to be vulnerable and tender. While moms may also articulate such messages in words, dads literally drive the message home by putting it in action. Indeed, in many ways family men convey to all family members what life is "really' about and they do so through their actions.

What does research say about the importance of caring family men? Dads promote independence in children. Studies show they are more tactile, less verbal, and more physically playful with their kids. Most toddlers choose dads for play partners due to the rigorous and more adventurous play styles. Continuing data shows that kids with emotionally supportive dads are more emotionally and cognitively intelligent, have increased empathy skills, are less aggressive and more sociable, are more verbal, and have fewer school problems. The most powerful predictor of a moral conscience in adults is paternal childrearing involvement through age five. Girls with involved fathers have later ages of menarche and postpone sexual activity. They tend to be popular with peers and more interpersonally assertive throughout their lives. Other research has found that women who are successful in the workplace almost always had encouraging relationships with their dads. Boys with involved dads excel in all areas. Having a caring dad is the single best predictor of a male's willingness to be a nurturing parent. In addition, fathering is good for men's health and correlates highly with marital and career success. Involved family men are gifts to us all.

Assessing if you are an involved family man
Ask yourself the following questions to discern if you need to be more emotionally connected to your family. It's best that you honestly scrutinize your caring for loved ones as you may tend to overrate how well you are doing. Do you ...

1) almost daily read to, play with, hang out with your children in some form of active family recreation?
2) know the names of and met your children's friends and their parents?
3) share the responsibilities of taking your sick children to the medical clinic?
4) arrange with other parents children's birthday parties, sleepovers, and afterschool events?
5) understand and can accurately state the main current dilemmas in your wife's and children's lives? (Just guess and ask them if you're right!)
6) regularly set firm limits with the kids while not worrying about your popularity?
7) get regular physicals, consistently exercise, don't smoke, and eat sensibly in an awareness of your essential role to all loved ones?
8) have a group of male friends and involved family men who you see regularly for fun and guidance?
9) express your feelings – especially anger – in an constructive way that balances your needs with the needs and sensibilities of other loved ones?
10) consistently support your spouse and children in their healthy endeavors, especially when they are not to your liking, approval, or convenience?
11) regularly attend and involve yourself in a religious service, community volunteer project, or social organization that promotes the greater good?
12) weekly go out with your partner on a date night away from the children?

Why do family guys hold back?
Men emotionally hold back in families for various reasons. Some men simply have traditional views of themselves as family men and they don't want to see their emotional significance. They may choose to hang on to masculine stereotypes than put themselves in uncomfortable roles. Such stereotypes undermine the real joy and meaning of masculinity and fatherhood. Other men have past emotional wounds in their own lives that make them terrified of their emotions in general. They keep others at arm's length to wall themselves off from their own painful experiences. Frankly, some family guys may try to get more emotionally connected to their loved ones but are inadvertently shut out by partners who don't really want closeness themselves or else wants to be in total control. Some women may say they desire a more emotional partner but, as soon as their men open their mouths to express feelings, there is hell to pay. Unemotional men are sometimes the result of faulty couple dynamics that involve both partners. Some men are too ashamed of their efforts as dads and use that as an excuse to avoid loved ones. Men who have not seen their own fathers be intimately involved in family life may feel awkward and irrelevant when it comes to nurturing loved ones. They lack an internal working model of men getting into the nitty-gritty's of family life. Obviously there are those men who simply see their families as places to hang out as they pursue their own selfish pursuits to the huge detriment of their wives and children. Sometimes their partners mistakingly believe that having an irresponsible man is better than having no man at all.

Actually the opposite is true, mothers can completely raise healthy children all on their own with the help of supportive friends. Also, most men truly crave to be more emotionally attuned to their wives and children but too often make excuses for not doing so. There are no excuses for why men play peripheral roles in their families. The well-being of loved ones needs men to go beyond excuses.

Getting all emotional as a family man
Don't wait, like the guy in the example above, for something bad to happen before you grasp your manly significance. Get involved now. Your emotional aloofness from kids and a spouse is not a neutral thing; it affects everyone now and for generations to come. Your wife cannot make up for what is missing in you. Fear and incompetence is no excuse. Read Fatherneed by Dr. Kyle D. Pruett (The Free press, 2000) and Awakening from the Deep Sleep by Robert Pasick, Ph.D. (Harper Collins, 1992). Consider joining a Men's Alanon Group (Call 1-888-425-2666 for meeting information or visit www.al-anon-alateen-msp.org/pages/meetings.html), a group at the Men's Center (Phone: 612-822-5892), or a Men's Therapy group (Phone: 651-699-4573).

Finally, and most importantly, the very best reason to get emotionally involved with those you love is that it will do you immense good. Having loving connections with family brings joy and meaning beyond your greatest expectations and accomplishments hands down. Paul Tsongas, a former United States Senator put it best: "I never met a man who on his death bed said, 'Gee, I wish I had spent more time at the office'."

John H. Driggs LICSW is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in private practice in St. Paul and co-author of "Intimacy Between Men." (Penguin Books, 1990). He can be reached at (651) 699-4573.