Adventures In Fathering
– © 2003 Jon Harper

Men, apparently in their genes, have the hardwiring to be good fathers but many lack the basic skills. In my experience, all fathers want to protect and provide for their children. But something they've apparently lost along the way is permission to nurture their children in those necessary and uniquely male ways.

I have experienced, or celebrated, or and survived 13,871 Father's Days since the day my first child entered my life. February 19, 1965 was the beginning of many life-altering experiences to come. In four decades of parenting I have learned a lot about myself as well as fathers in general. I have observed social changes and trends on a large scale and I have been part of them on a personal level. I have had good days and bad ones days as a father. I have learned a lot about being a parent, role model and father from the children in my life. I have also learned a lot about what I don't know. But, What I do know for certain, is that the most important thing I will ever accomplish is to be a patient, fair and loving father.

My career work with men began 27 years ago in a correctional facility, as the Director of Educational Programs. My work addressed the academic, social, and parenting needs of men. This is when I experienced my most heartfelt success, as well as my most dismal failures. I was moved by the desire of the incarcerated fathers, that who despite the many obstacles of incarceration, were determined to continue their fathering. It was during this time I came to a deep understanding of my life work; I knew I would always choose to work with men in their role as fathers.

As I transitioned my work from a correctional facility to the mainstream community, I discovered the similarities among men, regardless of their life circumstances. The core issues for all the men I worked with, related to fathering, were basically the same. All fathers wanted to spend time with their children; assure the safety of their children; and, provide for their children's material needs.

Coming out of these two distinctly separate, but similar experiences, I have concluded that while most men have a hunger to engage in male nurturing, they are essentially unprepared to take on the role of a nurturing father. Unfortunately, this leaves a gap between what fathers are able to give and the male nurturing their children need.

How do we find ourselves in this dilemma? Based on personal experience and indicators from research, there are two distinct ways in which the father's presence function is changing. The social structure and it's effect on the changing role of the father: The multigenerational decline in fathers' emotional and physical presence, both emotional and physical, in the home, stems from distinct social changes and has resulted in a number of problems.

The decline of the physical presence of the father is one result of the high rate of divorce and out of wedlock pregnancies that have forced men out of close proximity to their children. This physical separation makes it even more difficult for men to establish and maintain nurturing relationships. In every generation, we have fewer and fewer male role models in children's lives. As a result, more and more children are failing to experience a responsible (and nurturing) male role model, and in turn, are incapable of becoming nurturing parents themselves.

The emotional absence of the father has historically been a problem. What is changing is the increased need for men to be emotionally present with their children. Societies changing roles and expectations of both men and women contribute to the need for fathers to assume a more nurturing role. As more and more women entered the work force, a need was created for men to step into the role of nurturing father. Both of these changing roles required retraining and skill building. Ironically, while we as a society recognized the need to provide education for women to succeed in the work place we failed to provide men with the necessary skills to become nurturing fathers.

As a result because of these social changes the present and future healthy development of our children and our society is at risk. The research is clear that the cumulative cost of fatherless homes and father absence (both emotional and physical) is directly associated with teen pregnancies, school dropout rates, drug use, criminal behaviors, as well as numerous other destructive social problems. The increase in father absence is identified as the greatest contributor to the rise in child poverty. (Seventy-five percent of children where fathers are absent from the home will experience poverty.) Children from fatherless households are three times more likely to fail in school and twice as likely to commit crimes. The presence or absence of a male role model in families and communities is one of the chief predictors of criminal behavior in young males. Father absence is the basis for a host of behavioral and emotional problems in children including poor impulse control, low self- esteem and violent acting out behaviors. Father absence is now in epidemic proportions and is affecting all social/economic classes.

What is the solution to our dilemma? What am I saying in the most basic terms? "Fathers are important." The catch is...it has to be lived out, by men, through day to day nurturing behaviors. It is no longer enough to just protect and provide for our children. It is imperative that men assume an emotional as well as a physical presence. Physical presence requires fathers to be in close proximity to their children, protecting and providing for them. Emotional presence requires physical presence and an emotional maturity that includes consistency; courtesy; integrity; perseverance; self-control; tenacity and empathy.

On a personal level, our responsibility as fathers directly affects the quality of our children's lives. On a more global level, we affect the future of society. To quote Martin Luther King, ''We are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of destiny. Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly.''

Jon Harper is the founder and Executive Director of Adventures in Fathering a non-profit organization serving fathers and families. Adventures in Fathering provides classes in fathering, child development and family relations; consulting services; and conducts workshops in Building Father Friendly Environments. To contact Jon Harper call 763 531-9267.

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