Intimacy Between Men
– © 2001 by John H. Driggs, LICSW
When you hear the phrase, "Intimacy Between Men," what’s the first thing that comes to mind? Of course, sex! So many of us men are programmed to equate any form of closeness with a sexual experience that we miss out on the larger emotional meanings in our lives and on opportunities for deeper friendships with men. We either become overstimulated or over -- afraid of sex between men and we fail to see men as emotional comforters and guides. Oh, it’s not that sex between men is so unthinkable, it’s just that there’s more to life than just sex. In fact, it’s not the sex between men that’s most important; it’s the love between men that’s most important.
What many of us men often need is to have an emotionally close and safe relationship with another man, no matter what our sexual orientation is. Most of us have never really had trusted emotional relationships with other men and so we don’t even know what we are looking for or how to find it. Instead, too many of us men spend so much of our lives trying to fill up the emotional voids in our lives with poor substitutes that we overlook that which would most nurture us: emotional friendships with other men. Understanding what we may need is a place to begin.
WHAT IS INTIMACY?
Intimacy is difficult to define precisely, and people use the word in different ways. Here is how I think of intimacy.
Intimacy is a process in relationships enabling individuals to generally meet personal needs while generally accepting differences in each other.
Intimacy is a personal experience between two people that continuously unfolds. The unfolding is not linear. Even in very good relationships there may be peaks and valleys of closeness. The process of drawing closer to another person is concrete. It encompasses how we talk to each other, how we express ourselves non-verbally, and how we regard one another. Attending to all the details that express "I respect you" and "I respect myself" is the essence of intimacy. Intimacy is not a way to be perfect; it is a way to be more fully human.
A clear sense of self, knowing and accepting your strong points and weak points, enables you to get closer to others. The more you know yourself, the more likely you will feel confident in not losing or having your identity destroyed. When two individuals support each other, each partner will feel more fulfilled and confident about handling life stresses. Sharing one’s inner self with a friend and having them share their feelings with you will cushion you from the pressures of life.
However, intimacy involves more than a sharing of feelings and support. Accepting differences between yourself and a friend is crucial for intimacy to occur. Inevitably, friends run up against differences in their tastes, opinions. and philosophies of life. Intellectual differences often reflect different emotional states. To say to a friend, "I don’t agree with your opinion, but I can understand your feelings" is the hallmark of intimacy. Such a stance is often difficult. Nevertheless, when someone can love us with all of our peculiarities and limitations, such friendship is tremendously rewarding. When we offer this caring to others, our own self-acceptance is enhanced. All of us need such love.
BENEFITS OF INTIMACY BETWEEN MEN
There are many benefits of deepening a friendship with another man. When you allow yourself to become more vulnerable with a man, you can learn more about yourself and accept yourself in ways that are more deeply healing than in relationships with women. Men exhibit a special form of caring towards one another called intragender empathy -- an ability to instantly understand what another man is going through without engaging in endless discussion. When you see another man going through what you are going through—including facing many negative aspects of yourself -- you feel incredibly less alone and more readily forgiving of yourself. True intimacy with men transforms our brains in ways that other more cerebral ways of learning could never do
Also, real friendships with men challenge our stereotypes of men and soften ways we are critical of ourselves. Many of us have developed cynical and critical ideas of men based on the major betrayals by the men in our own lives -- fathers, brothers, and past male friends -- so that we hold unconscious grudges against ourselves as men, act in stereotyped ways ourselves, and see a less satisfying future in our connections with men. Men have incredible grief over their connections with men and caring male friendships bring up and heal our grief in the most profound ways. Men need other men to heal these wounds. In fact, real friendships with other men don’t just make our days, they change our lives.
WHAT TO DO
As any man would understand, it takes more then talk to get connected to men. I hope this article suggests to you that friendships with men are not only possible but they are often incredibly important and indispensable. You may want to start by getting involved with educational workshops or support groups at the Men’s Center, a good men’s therapy group if you are struggling with emotional difficulties, or connect with a male professional helper where you can experience man-to man healing power to overcome emotional distress Any caring and trustworthy relationship with a man can work wonders on your identity! Good readings on this topic include Awakening From The Deep Sleep by Robert Pasick, Ph.D. (Harper Books, 1992) or Intimacy Between Men by Stephen Finn, Ph.D. and John H. Driqqs, LICSW (Dutton rooks, 1990). I wish you well.
John H. Driggs, LICSW is in private practice in St. Paul and has facilitated men’s therapy groups since 1981.
Samuel Osherson, in his book, Finding Our Fathers, says that many sons carry around inside themselves their father’s dreams and their father’s wounds. All fathers are imperfect and make mistakes. Some mistakes are more hurtful than others. I have recently spent time with three men whose fathers abandoned them both physically and emotionally. All of these men were raised primarily by their mothers, and have gone for years without much contact with their dads.
Terry has just begun the process of reconciling with his father. After his parents’ divorce seven years ago, Terry lived with his mom and heard her side of the story. Now, he is speaking with his father by phone and hearing bits and pieces of his father’s side. He told me that the situation, which he thought was simple, is far more complicated. Mom says Dad was too codependent and needy, and she couldn’t begin to fulfill all of his needs. Dad says Mom was too demanding and critical, and he could never measure up. Whose story is true? Maybe they both are. But Terry has always needed to hear that both of his parents love him. As he is sharing more with them, they are opening up to him.
Peter, a college student, recently got so drunk he stole items from a neighborhood and brought them back to his college dorm. He didn’t remember doing any of this. He was confronted by the police. One of his roommates spoke up for him and saved him from going to jail. Another roommate said he thought Peter should go to jail and face the consequences of his behavior. Peter has repeatedly gone on drinking binges. He does not want to examine his behavior. Peter’s dad left his family six years ago, and Peter has a lot of anger toward his dad. He says that his dad is an idiot.
John is a successful law student who hasn’t seen or spoken to his dad in years. His dad was abusive to his Mom. John claims that he has no feelings for his dad. John’s Mom has looked to John for care and nurturing. There are times when John feels he has played "husband" to his mom. He is learning to break away from her neediness and control. Each of these three men is living out some of the legacy of his dad. They are learning the meaning of manhood from other men, and in some cases, having to make their own way.
When fathers are fully present in their son’s lives they can offer them wisdom, caring, and support. Fully present fathers teach by example. They help their sons learn about handling life’s successes and disappointments. They are there to support their Sons when they succeed and sometimes fail. However, there are millions of young men in America who lack a fully present father. For some of these men, uncles, grandfathers, scout leaders, ministers, and other men are available to set an example and provide guidance. For others, holes develop m their hearts. They live their lives "longing for dad," as Dr. Beth Erickson says in her book title.
At a recent conference entitled "From Boys To Men” at the University of St. Thomas in St. Paul, Minnesota, author and lecturer Dr. Michael Gurian stated that boys need a strong immediate family, a caring extended family, and a tribe to grow into healthy maturity. Many boys in America are suffering because they lack these. Many of the school shooters over the last five years have not had strong, connected relationships with their fathers.
The movie Smoke Signals tells the story of a Native American young man named Victor whose father has died. Victor’s dad was an alcoholic and left the family. He feared that his repeated abuse would hurt them too much. He left out of shame and guilt. Victor and his friend, Thomas, go on a journey to pick up his father’s ashes in the southwest. As the journey unfolds, we see flashbacks of the father’s abusive behavior as well as caring times with his son. Victor confronts the wide range of feelings about his father. In one scene, Victor tells Thomas that his father was "just an alcoholic." Thomas replies, "No, Victor. Your father was more than that."
It is interesting to reflect upon our fathers’ lives. We can focus on their pain, their limits, their mistakes. But perhaps, we can also see more than that. Questions that we can ask about our fathers can include: Did he mean well? Did he try to love me? What pain was he suffering? Did he realize his dreams? How was he treated by his father?
No matter what our fathers have done or not done for us, it can never have been perfect. For some of us, as we age, we can begin to understand our fathers better. We gain a deeper understanding about their struggles as men, husbands, workers, community members. Forgiving our fathers is difficult for many men. Father abandonment, whether emotional or physical, does leave a hole in a son’s heart. That hole can be temporarily filled through alcohol, or sex, or work, or any number of addictions. Some sons live in denial. Others become hostile and belligerent.
Still others become sullen, depressed or withdrawn. Some fathers show their Sons no love at all. Others demonstrate their love in strange ways. Some buy gifts. Others leave.
How do we forgive our fathers? Two helpful books about forgiveness are Sidney and Suzanne Simon’s Forgiveness and Lewis Smedes Forgive and Forget. The process of forgiveness involves six stages:
1. We attempt to understand our father’s wound and dreams. For many fathers who have been physically or emotionally scarred as children, they live with that pain for the rest of their lives. They may project it onto their sons. Some fathers who suffer want their sons to be very successful. Others are threatened by their sons’ successes. Fathers who have not worked through their pain and mourned their losses may repeat abusive and destructive patterns with their sons. Our father’s dreams -- both fulfilled and unfulfilled -- tell us a lot about him. What were his dreams? How many did he realize? How did he cope with disappointments and failures? Some of our fathers did not know how to emotionally connect. It is helpful to learn about our father’s struggles, and see him for the fallible man that he is.
2. We realize that we always were lovable and are lovable now. We must love, nurture and accept ourselves. If our father couldn’t or didn’t love us the way we needed and wanted, it wasn’t about us. We must stop shaming ourselves for our father’s inability to love us the way we wanted to be loved. Our freedom comes from accepting him for who he is or was. Some fathers did the best they could. Others didn’t. But we are not responsible for our fathers’ pain. And we could not make it go away.
3. We grieve our losses. We must face what we didn’t receive from our fathers, and feel the sadness, anger, and disappointment. This can involve therapy, journalizing, or reflection. Hopefully, we had some other male role model who did care and guide us. If not, it is remarkable that we did as well as we did.
4. We learn to make peace with our past. Many of us have overcome remarkably difficult childhood. Letting go of anger and resentment frees us to live our lives more fully in the present. One way to do this is to write a letter of forgiveness to your dad. You can send the letter or not. But in writing the letter, feelings will emerge that are important to face. We must also forgive ourselves for not understanding or just being the children we were.
5. We examine how we maybe living out our father’s wounds. Are we hurting ourselves or others? Do we sabotage our best efforts? Are we addicted to something to fill the hole in our hearts? Sorting this out can be helped by individual therapy, or joining a men’s group.
6. We try to be the best fathers we can be to our children. We can all learn from our father’s mistakes. Where he was absent, we can be present. Where he was controlling, we can grant our children freedom. Where he lacked the ability to guide, we can offer guidance. We can see the parts of us that are like him, and try to do better.
As we more completely discover our fathers, we can discover ourselves and life. The forgiveness process takes time, work, and patience. Gaining awareness helps us grow into healthy maturity. Loving ourselves is the first step to loving others more fully.
Dr. Michael Obsatz is an Associate Professor of Sociology at Macalester College in St. Paul, author, workshop leader, men’s and boys’ group leader, and father of three children, ages 30, 22 and 18. His books include the award-winning Raising Nonviolent Children in a Violent World, From Stalemate to Soulmate, and Healing Our Anger. He can be reached at obsatz@macalester.edu, or at 952-474-2877. His websites are www.empowermenttools.com and www.angeresources.com.
Facts About Fathers
The following information has been provided by Ray Rossini of the Community Fathering Group. Here are some powerful statistics that he has gathered for our digestion.
Giving Back: Creating Gay Community
– © 2001 by Bob Anderson
When I came out as a gay man -- 20 years ago now, after 16 years of marriage -- two experiences were crucial. One was attending a performance of gay artists at the University of Minnesota -- musicians, poets, story-tellers, dancers -- all of them putting their gayness right out there. I remember especially a young Patrick Scully, tall and lithe, dancing out his first sexual experience as a boy. To me, as a man who had lived his whole life deeply closeted and ashamed of his sexuality, the experience was incredibly affirming and liberating. Here were people who shared my story, celebrating their identity in public.
The other important experience was becoming part of a gay and bisexual fathers and husbands support group. I was scared when I came out at age 38. How would I fit in, what would become of me? But here were men like me -- guys in their 30s and 40s, professionals, married and divorced, raising kids -- each dealing in his own way with the challenge of his situation. I was not alone. We met monthly, and I was an active member of the group for a dozen years or so. I formed attachments with these men, learned about friendship and support, and discovered the resources and courage within myself to live more authentically. I claimed them as my second family -- so important were they to my development.
We used to joke in the group that you had your chronological age and then your gay age, which was usually arrested somewhere in adolescence. This was sometimes invoked to explain "crashing out" or the "candy store phase" of coming out. But it spoke to another truth: for all our maturity, we had some important growing up to do, especially in learning how to differentiate and integrate our tender, friendly, romantic and sexual feelings.
I cite these two experiences because they illustrate the connection between identity and community. I couldn’t have come out, got a sense of who I was, without a community to come out into. Put another way: if a gay man crashes out in a forest, and there’s no one there to hear him, does he really exist?
Also important to me at this time was The Men’s Center. Only a few years old then, it was one of the few places you could go--indeed, still is--to explore, honestly and openly, the meaning of your feelings for other men. Were you gay, bisexual or just in need of close friendships with other men? You could sort all this out at The Men’s Center -- in a safe, confidential, supportive environment.
I remember what one man said to me back then; we had met in a gay issues support group, become friends and begun dating. Comfortable and satisfied with my life, I stopped going to the weekly meetings. Al didn’t. "I want to give something back," he said. He was grateful for what The Men’s Center had given him -- a respite from loneliness, support, connection and a sense of community.
Later, with my gay father’s group, I did the same. I stayed active in the group long after it had served its purpose for me. The stories of the men who were new to the process were painful to hear: They raised old ghosts, they were tedious and boring. "The same old stuff! Shit or get off the pot!" I’d find myself thinking, impatient with their vacillation and confusion. By then, everything seemed clear to me. But I remembered what it was like before, and I stayed and listened, providing support, and the reassurance. There was safety on the far shore. And on two occasions when the group faltered, and could have collapsed, I joined a council of elders to keep it on track. I followed Al’s example: I gave back.
There’s no way I could ever give back all that has been given to me on my journey. The men and women who have been there for me, the groups and organizations, the professionals, the activists, the gatherings and public rituals, the many events and activities, everything that constitutes the rich life of the gay community in Minnesota, all have contributed to who I am, and to the fact that I made it at all.
And each of these things depends on people giving back. That’s the message I take from Gay Pride. We are called to community; we cannot live without it. It is not a given. It must be continually created and sustained, and that takes work and commitment. We must resist the negative messages from the larger society, and resist the reflex to separate ourselves too much from it, or to divide among ourselves, stigmatizing each other by age, sex, looks or some other irrelevancy. Above all, we must resist laziness, inertia and smugness, the impulse to "let someone else do it." Community depends on us.
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