Dear Mr. David Decker c/o Twin Cities Men's Center
I read with interest your recent article on anger management in Men Talk. I want to thank you. The work you do is so important. I was a little concerned, however, by some of your comments concerning domestic violence by women. You seem to be minimizing what is a very real problem. I'm sure you're aware that since the pioneering work of Straus and Gelles, to which you refer in your article, over 100 studies have confirmed that in domestic conflicts, women are as likely as men to resort to violence at all levels of severity. This same body of research also contradicts some of the myths that I'm afraid your article may have inadvertently propagated. Foremost among these myths is the idea that even if women are sometimes violent, men don't have much to fear from that violence. This is a dangerous misconception. The fact is that women's violence is dangerous. That fact doesn't always show up in crime statistics. Male victims are much less likely to call the police or seek medical care, even when they are injured. Men that do seek help are better able to mask their injuries as workplace injuries. Medical personnel are also less likely to question men about suspicious injuries. But even with all that, one urban study for example found that while only 15% of domestic violence police calls involved male victims, 30% of the victims with serious injuries were male.
Sometimes violent women are stronger than their victims, as is often the case in elder abuse for example. Other violent women make up for what they lack in upper body strength by using weapons, attacking their victims when they are asleep or incapacitated, or using the element of surprise. Violent women also use proxy violence, i.e. they persuade or coerce a male relative or boyfriend to do violence on their behalf. But the main weapon violent women use to neutralize their victim's greater physical strength is the sexism inherent in society. That sexism starts young. Boys are taught from a young age never to hit a girl. (The fact that your classes are necessary is proof that some men don't learn that lesson, but nevertheless most men internalize that message to one extent or another. ) By omission, boys, and girls, learn the sexist message that girls hitting boys is perfectly acceptable.
Even when a male victim realizes that it isn't O.K. for his wife to hit him with a frying pan, or burn him with boiling water, or threaten him with a knife, he faces obstacles to ending the abuse different from that faced by women. If he calls the authorities, he faces the real likelihood that *he* will be labeled the abuser. If he has children, it's very likely he will lose custody of them in our hopelessly biased court system. And he faces the near total certainty that he will be humiliated for being "beat up by a girl." Female victims evoke our sympathy. Male victims evoke our scorn.
I realize the target audience for your message is violent men, men who are looking for excuses to justify their violence. No doubt some of these men try to use women's violence against them as an excuse. But I hope you will consider modifying your message, especially when it may be seen by a man who is attempting to come to terms with the violence he is receiving at the hands of a woman. I would hate for that man to come to the erroneous conclusion that a woman can't do any real harm.
Sincerely,
Mark J. Lesmeister